I have never kept a diary, but at the times in my life so far when I have hurt the most or been the most afraid or the angriest, I have written down my thoughts and then I have been able to move on to other things.
This is what I am trying to do. I have started this post 4 times so far and I can't let it go yet.
I was watching the news at Easter this year, and in the midst of all of the other stuff the anchor mentioned that it was in the first week of April in 1994 that a genocide started in Rwanda. I couldn't remember what happened or why, and so I looked it up.
And in the first few drafts of this post I gave a little history lesson about what happened, but I have since figured out that what I have been choking back for a week now has very little to do with Rwanda. And that if you found this blog you can find out about it for yourself. And maybe you should.
I was devastated by the details of this slaughter, and I focused on that for a few days because I thought that was what was affecting me so much. But now I think it's something larger and more vague and impossible to fix.
It's the suffering of other people, and I have not done enough about it.
I have done nothing about it.
I have ignored the suffering of hundreds of thousands of people at a time, and I have ignored the people who were put RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME one by one for me to notice them.
I ignored them because I had to be somewhere or because I didn't have enough money or because I was not sure what to say or if I should touch them or because I was distracted by my own pain or because I just didn't notice. It doesn't matter why...to them the result was the same. I did nothing.
And I am afraid of not doing any better next time.
And I am afraid that even if I try I am not enough to make a difference.
There is a lyric from a song by Manic Street Preachers (remixed hauntingly by David Usher with Brilliant Beast) that has been in my head for days:
"...and if you tolerate this
then your children will be next."
I feel hopeless and afraid and sorry.
There is no clever ending or resolution here.
3 comments:
Your post on joy made me smile. That made a difference.
Start with small ripples. Build up to the wave.
W
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
--Reinhold Niebuhr
While I often think this prayer has an element of "put up and shut up" about it, I think the first verse (most quoted) is logical.
You can't change the whole world, but you can say thank you to the waitress. You can't rid society of racism, homophobia, pollution or hatred, but you can be kind, accepting and open to new ideas.
And those are the things you already do.
And now...in the wake of the Virginia Tech shootings, the suffering is palpable.
Post a Comment